It was a relationship that easily could have been made into a Disney movie. Anytime Tara, my wife, and I were together while dating, bluebirds would float around us, a Louis Armstrong soundtrack would play in the background, and we would stare deeply into each other’s eyes, forgetting about the rest of the world. We were in love and it was bliss.  Well, at least until the night she was preparing to fly out to Africa for a two week mission trip. That night, our relationship was rocky and full of mistrust. The tension was so thick, it was hard to communicate. The phone conversation did not end on a good note. And, honestly, it was my fault.

It was my fault because I did not know how to trust Tara. We had been dating for five months and I constantly worried about losing her. She had done nothing to support the idea that she would ever leave me, disrespect me, or cheat on me. But, I still had a hard time trusting her. And because I did not trust her, I would cling on to her so tightly that she almost broke up with me at one point in order to get emotional space. Why did I have a difficult time trusting her and why was I so afraid of losing her? My trust muscle had never developed. In other words, I had a hard time trusting others, including Tara, because I had never developed the ability to trust.

A few weeks ago, I wrote an article titled, “Taking Your Family to Work.” The main point of the article was that we can unconsciously carry our family’s unhealthy expectations to work with us, which can result in an effort to be who they want us to be and not who God uniquely created us to be. Just like we can unconsciously take our family's unhealthy expectations to work, we can also take the unhealthy relationship traits of our families on dates and actually carry our families with us into our marriages. When that occurs, we struggle to be the significant other or spouse that our mate needs and that can cause serious conflict in the relationship.

When it came to dating, courting, and marrying Tara, I had a difficult time trusting her because I grew up in a family that had a difficult time trusting others. I did not know how to trust because I had never truly been taught how to trust; trust others, trust my parents, trust my future spouse, and ultimately, trust God. I carried my family’s trait of not trusting into every dating relationship I had. And, as a result, that inability to trust eventually train wrecked all of my dating relationships until Tara. Thankfully, she loved me and had the intestinal fortitude to show me grace as I developed a trust muscle.

(Again, a disclaimer. I could easily at this point blame my family for my lack of trust. Not going to happen. The more I parent, the more I appreciate the challenge any family has to properly raise children. All families have weaknesses. Those weaknesses affect how a child develops. It is scary to admit that I, as a parent, have weaknesses. But, I trust God to fill the holes with his grace and other wise adults when it comes to my children’s development. But, that’s another post.)

In the book Song of Songs, Solomon wrote in 2.15, “Catch for us the foxes, the little foxes that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom.” A unhealthy family history is a “relationship fox” that can ruin the “vineyard” of a relationship.  (Our families can also help us become the significant other or spouse that we are supposed to be. That will be addressed in another blog post.) For me, it was trust. For some, it was growing up in the home of a dominant parent that would never allow anyone else to have an opinion. That person from that type of family dates and never feels safe enough or empowered to share their thoughts, feelings, and ideas. For others, they grew up in home that was missing a parent of the opposite sex. As a result, the person from that type of family might never learn how to bond with someone of the opposite sex. There are also people who grew up in a home where they had to play “peacemaker” because their family was always in conflict. That type of person has a difficult time entering into conflict because their default mechanism is to keep the peace, even if that means their desires are never heard. 

What does a person do if they realize they are unconsciously taking the negative relationship traits of their families on dates or into their marital relationships? First, you ask God to give you the wisdom and courage necessary to heal. Part of healing is doing the hard work of forgiveness. Secondly, you find a community consisting of a church and good counselor or small group that will help and support you as you try to heal. Thirdly, you do the hard and necessary work to go back to your own families in order to address the issues where they started. This is not easy work, but powerful and deeply redemptive.

Back to my relationship with Tara…Thankfully, I learned how to metaphorically leave my family at home by developing a trust muscle. But, ironically, I have also learned how to engage my family of origin in more healthy and trusting ways. As a result, I actually want our families around as much as possible. Especially my mother-in-law…She is a great cook! 
(Need help? Feel free to contact Paul at paul.gibson@hardinsburgbc.org or call the church at 270-756-5230.) 

Mama dabbed a little bit of perfume on my neck
And she kissed my cheek
Then I saw tears wellin’ up in her troubled eyes
When she started to speak
She looked at a pitiful shack
And then she looked at me and took a ragged breath
She said your Pa’s run off and I’m real sick
And the baby’s gonna starve to death…
She said, “Here’s your one chance Fancy, don’t let me down.”
Reba McEntire—“Fancy”

The words to Reba McEntire’s song, “Fancy,” have always disturbed me because the odds of the character, Fancy, escaping poverty are very low. And, unfortunately, many, many children in our cities and towns today can relate to “Fancy;” the chances of these kids escaping physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual poverty are very low. As someone who has taught, coached, served as a campus missionary, and now works as a senior pastor, I can easily grow discouraged when I see children with very little family and social support struggling to make it. I have many times thrown up my hands behind closed doors and uttered, “God, it’s not fair!”

Thankfully, there are more than a few “Fancys” in the Biblical story. One such “Fancy” was named Rahab. Rahab was a prostitute that, according to Joshua 2, hid Israelite spies from the King of Jericho because of her recognition of God’s power. Rahab put her life in danger by hiding the spies because the King could have easily killed her if he had caught her in the lie.  After protecting the spies and saving the Nation of Israel, Rahab brokered a deal with them in order to save her family. Joshua and the nation of Israel kept their promise to Rahab, saving her family during the invasion. Scripture then states that, “She (Rahab) lives among the Israelites to this day.”

Another “Fancy” from Scripture was named Ruth. Ruth was a Moabite woman who married an Israelite man who then later died. The book of Ruth portrays a passionate encounter between Ruth and her former mother-in-law, Naomi, when Naomi urged Ruth to stay with her Moabite people while she, Naomi, returns to her land. However, Ruth, strongly told her former mother-in-law, Naomi, that she would go with her and “your God will be my God and your people will be my people.” Ruth returns with Naomi, meets a man named Boaz, falls in love, has a baby, and redeems Naomi’s family.

The beautiful twist in the story of Ruth is found in Matthew 1 where Matthew describes Jesus’ family tree. Matthew started with Abraham and then lists all the males in Jesus’ lineage. A little ways down the list, Matthew stated “Salmon the father of Amminadab, Amminadab the father of Nahshon, Nahshon the father of Salmon, Salmon the father of Boaz, whose mother was…(Ready for it??? Drumroll please……..) Rahab.” Turns out that Ruth had two mothers-in-law, Naomi and that pagan prostitute that just so happened to save her family and the nation of Israel, Rahab. Rahab, by hiding the spies and saving her family, ended up becoming a great-grandmother to Jesus Christ. And, Ruth by honoring her commitment to her mother-in-law, Naomi, also ended up becoming a great-grandmother to Jesus Christ. What an amazing twist in the stories of Rahab and Ruth!

What do Rahab and Ruth have to do with the classroom? If God can use two pagan women to rescue the family tree of Jesus, you never know what he might do with the “Fancy” in your classroom. The next Rahab, Ruth, Samuel, David, Peter, or Paul might be the exact same student that drives you nuts on a daily basis. I beg you! Please do not give up on him or her! You never know when the next great character, in the story that God continues to write, might be sitting at a desk near you…