Paul's last post on HMHF challenged marriages to reflect upon the legacies they are leaving behind. We want you to know that we not only write about legacy, we try our best to practice creating one. I (Tara) am excited to share with you, as part of my first post on HMHF, one way we are striving to make a difference as a couple.
I love it when something I purchase benefits not only me but others as well. I like knowing my purchases have a positive impact. Scripture tells us to help others whenever we can. Noonday Collection is a fair trade company that allows me to do those things. Artisans around the world hand make jewelry and accessories and then Noonday Ambassadors market their products in the US to increase their reach. Making and selling jewelry allows artisans in countries such as India, Vietnam, Uganda, Haiti, Guatemala, and others to have dignified work, earn a fair wage, and provide for their families.
After a lot of research and prayer, Paul and I believe that Noonday Collection fits in with our values as a family. I have decided to become a Noonday Ambassador! As an Ambassador I will be able to share the stories of the artisans and promote their products and in turn be a part of their stories! By helping them sell their jewelry and accessories, I will get to participate with them as they provide for their families, send their children to school, and avoid poverty!
You can see the lovely products by going to my website http://TaraGibson.noondaycollection.com
I would love to talk to you about hosting a Trunk Show where you can help spread the message and even earn some free products in the process!
Once upon a time…I recently attended a Disney Institute (DI) Course. Ironically, for this marriage blog, I was not attending a marital workshop. I was actually taking a class regarding leadership principles. However, could you imagine a Disney Class on marriage?! What would “Disney Magic” look like as a couple strives to live “happily ever after?” Who else could teach families how to love one another than THE entity that caters to families every day? I digress. Disney, if you’re listening, I’ll help you shape, market, and teach such a course!
In order to respect the contents of the amazing DI course, I will not share details. However, after attending, I can say that my heart was stirred to compare my marriage to the magical atmosphere of Disney. I found myself asking this question, "Does our marriage reflect happily ever after or Cruella De Vil?"
On our “happily ever after” days, our marriage would include the following commitments:
On our “Cruella De Vil” days, our marriage would display the following:
In reality, the first list includes my “ideal” purposes for marriage and the second list includes my more “cynical” purposes for marriage. I believe day-to-day reality exists somewhere in-between as we strive to live out the first list.
As I review these lists, I find myself asking a deeper question, “What do I want the legacy of our marriage to be?” The Disney Institute Course really challenged me to connect purpose to legacy; our focused purposes now are already creating our legacies for the time after we are gone. (Think Yoda from The Last Jedi, "We are what they grow beyond.") The magic of Walt Disney continues to be passed on from generation to generation because his legacy lives on. I desire for the influence of our marriage to do the same; leave a legacy our children and grandchildren can follow.
What do I want the legacy of our marriage to be?
I want the legacy of our marriage to be that of a couple who intimately loved each other. Intimate love is not “rip-your-clothes-off-love because you cannot wait to be intertwined in passionate bliss.” (Although, I strongly believe healthy intimacy will produce such moments in marriage. And hey, the more the merrier.) Intimate love is a love that is developed over time as a couple learns to listen, see, and trust each other. Intimate love is a love that is safe and encourages emotional, mental, and spiritual vulnerability. Intimate love is an honest love that does not shy away from expressing needs and desires through the words “I need” and “I want.” Intimate love is practicing the words of Ancient Scripture to “forgive as you have been forgiven.” Intimate love is valuing the teamwork necessary to raise children into adults who will be difference makers in the world. Intimate love is praying for one another, praying with one another, and letting each other know that you are constantly praying for them.
I believe that if Tara and I can create such a legacy, the most powerful examples of our legacy will be the ways our daughter (Natalie) and son (Isaac) treat their own spouses and children. The hard and blessed truth about our marriages is that our marriages are not about us. Our marriages are about the people our children become. So, if we do our job as a married couple, our children and great-grandchildren will benefit from our legacy of intimate love. And, prayerfully, such a legacy will lend itself to our children and grandchildren living happily ever after.
What do you and your spouse want the legacy of your marriage to be? I encourage you to take a morning over coffee or even a weekend away to discuss this important question.
(Want to know more about the Disney Institute? Check them out at www.disneyinstitute.com.)
Natalie and Isaac, my two peas in a pod,
I am overwhelmed with gratitude when I watch your beauty.
The depth of your expressions, your enthusiastic joy--
They move me to be in awe of God’s creativity.
Your mother is a rock, I married above my grade,
Her strength, focus, and delicate beauty
Move me to love, passion, thanksgiving.
Your mother is a superstar.
God wrote a masterpiece when he brought
Your mother and me together.
We both decided long ago that our dreams
Would not be limited by our heritage.
Yet, we are grateful for that heritage,
A heritage full of good cooking, laughter, struggle.
We are better, stronger, more resilient because--
We come from quarry men, quilters, preachers, and teachers.
Natalie and Isaac, my two peas in a pod,
You are part of a much grander story. A story--
That is not your own. You play a lead role everyday,
In God’s story to redeem the world.
So, play your role well. Remember--
You come from quarry men, quilters, preachers, and teachers.
Paint your masterpiece with beauty,
Tell your story with creativity,
Point to the next world as you bring heaven to earth.
I am once again heart sick after hearing our current president openly mock and make fun of a sexually assaulted female who was brave enough to tell her story. I am heart sick because I have been in the room when a sexually assaulted person is brave enough for the first time to say, “I am a victim.” I am heart sick because I can vividly recall the fresh tears of assault victims as they openly weep due to the horrific trauma of being raped or abused. I am heart sick because I have a daughter and I shudder at the thought of her growing up in a world where an assault victim is openly made fun of by a person in a position of high power.
A person might respond, “What about the politics of it all? What if the democrats are trying to sabotage the GOP’s right to hold a vote on the Supreme Court? What if she‘s not telling the truth?” I’m not focused on politics and I believe that Dr. Ford is telling the truth. Regarding the Supreme Court, I believe the president’s words today are about something much bigger than the Supreme Court. They’re about loving the abused, the raped, and the assaulted the way Jesus would. Sadly, the president’s comments are perfect examples as to why so many sexually assaulted victims choose to not come forward. (See link below for further understanding as to why victims often do not report.) And, his words will delegitimize future proclamations of being a victim.
If you are a Christ-follower, I encourage you to think about this question, “How would Jesus respond to Dr. Ford?” Think about the Woman-at-the-Well. Reflect on the story of Mary Magdalene. I’m afraid our current president would make fun of the Women-at-the-Well’s water jar or mock Mary Magdalene’s past. Again, if you are a Christ-follower, please compare the actions of Christ to the actions of the current president when considering women who have been sexually assaulted.
My heart aches. The blank stares, the bodily convulsions from violent weeping, and the terrifying flashbacks of the victims I’ve worked with will not allow me to be quiet about the president’s words today. My faith in Jesus will not allow me to stay quiet when an assault victim is mocked. Jesus calls us to a higher standard. Lord, may that change begin with me.
I am convinced the American church has an upside-down understanding of a Biblical church. A large part of the American church culture has bought the lie that a healthy Biblical church=big church and a biblically healthy leader=a strong, put together leader. Those are unbiblical definitions of both church health and Biblical leadership. According to Scripture, a healthy church is a faithful church and a healthy leader is a wounded healer who leads from their brokenness just as much as their strengths. A Biblical leader’s chief call should be the words of St. Paul, “Jesus Christ came to save sinners, of whom I am chief.”*
I write the words above because I was at the bastion of big church/strong leader from 2005-2008; Willow Creek Community Church. And, after all the heartbreaking and evil news that has recently been revealed about Willow, I’ve had to internally wrestle with a lot of what I learned from that church. My wrestlings have centered around two questions, “Does a healthy church require a strong charismatic leader?” And, “Does a healthy church have to be a big church?” I’ve always held to the answer of “no” for both questions, but after Willow’s recent hard fall, there is a freshness of evaluation in my heart and mind.
Does a healthy church have to be a big church?
Absolutely not. There was a church growth movement in Acts 2 when “about three thousand were added to their number that day.” But, many of the three thousand ended up in house churches that resembled the American church’s definition of Sunday School class or small group. We’ve got to divorce The Church from the idea that bigger is better. God does not call the church to be bigger. God calls the church to abide in him, love its neighbor, care for the poor, serve the immigrant, and ultimately, share the Good News of Jesus’ life, death, and resurrection.
Does a healthy church require a strong, charismatic leader?
Absolutely not. What makes a church so beautifully powerful is her people. A pastor can only be successful if they see themselves as a fellow saved-broken-sinner who grasps the mantle of leadership reluctantly and humbly. Leading a church is a holy terrifying task. A reluctant leader sees herself or himself no more important than the church nursery worker, groundskeeper, Sunday School teacher, Sunday morning greeter, or weekly tither. May God crush me as a pastor if I ever see myself differently.
Defending Willow Creek and Feeling Duped
I’ve had to defend Willow often over the years from pastors that judged Willow’s theology as “light” or even unbiblical. Sadly, my guess is that a few pastors are quietly celebrating Willow’s downfall. If you are one of those pastors, please don’t. If you are celebrating the log in Willow’s eye, please also see the log in your own eye. As recent failures within many non-denominational churches and the SBC teach us pastoral brethren, all of our churches are susceptible of the same ugly and evil behavior produced at Willow Creek. Don’t create, through your pride, the same type of no accountability culture that Willow created with Bill Hybels. Allow his downfall to shake you to the core, like it has me. Any structure, especially a leadership structure, that gives too much unchecked power to a single leader or group of leaders is setting itself up for a major fall.
I guess one of the reasons I have had to wrestle with my time at Willow is that part of me feels duped. Was I wrong in defending Willow all those years when I heard pastors criticize her? I’ll respond by saying this: the power of Jesus’ life, death, and resurrection is bigger than Bill Hybels’ ability to lead, it’s bigger than his pride, and it’s definitely bigger than his ugly sin. The salvations that happened at Willow for thousands of people were due to God, not Bill Hybels. Those salvation experiences are still true and eternal. God has, and I believe, will continue to work at Willow Creek. But, it won’t be through a charismatic leader that leads Willow to large growth. It will be through reluctant leader-pastors who hold to Biblical teachings on church growth and leadership.
When we are tempted to embrace a pastor or church due to charisma or style, or even worse, when we embrace ourselves as pastors who lead big churches with charisma or style, may we immediately repent and realize that our true shepherd is a slain lion-lamb who led through sacrifice. Let that slain lion-lamb be our symbol for what a healthy church looks like. Allow that slain lion-lamb to set the bar for what type of pastor we desire to follow or be.
*See Dan Allender's, "Leading with a Limp" or Henri Nouwen's "The Wounded Healer" for more insight on being chief sinner and leading as a wounded healer.
Whether I work with pre-marital couples or couples that have been together for thirty years, I often see one constant challenge when it comes to relationship struggles: communication. I once thought that communication was important so that couples could discuss budgets, dreams, parenting, and sex. Yet, the more I provide counseling and coaching, the more I begin to realize that there is a deeper purpose to communication; a purpose that lends itself to better budgets, realized dreams, shared parenting, and healthy sex lives. The purpose of communication is intimacy.
Song of Songs 4:16 provides a powerful picture of sexual intimacy:
Awake, north wind,
and come, south wind!
Blow on my garden,
that its fragrance may spread everywhere.
Let my beloved come into his garden
and taste its choice fruits.
Three times in this passage, through the use of the verbs, “come” (twice) and “blow,” the bride indicates that she feels safe and attached enough to her groom to invite him into her most intimate of spaces. Such an invitation only occurred in Song of Songs after the couple had spent time displaying mutual commitment which led to the establishment of trust. A feeling of trust helped the bride know that it was safe enough to be very physically vulnerable and intimate with her groom.
Intimate communication develops in much the same way.
If couples are going to communicate in healthy ways, they must first work to show one another a Biblically covenanted type of commitment. Such commitment can only be developed over time.
Spending time together as a couple helps build trust. Time is the currency that is used by couples to display to each other that they are truly committed. The more a significant other sees that their engaged partner or spouse is committed to getting to know and invest in them, the more likely they are to trust their engaged partner or spouse.
Trust allows a person to feel safe in a relationship. Just like the bride in Song of Songs felt safe enough to invite her groom into sexual intimacy, an engaged or married significant other who feels safe will invite their future husband, future wife, husband, or wife into emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy occurs when two people feel safe enough to share vulnerable communication with each other.
To summarize, commitment produces trust. Trust testifies to an environment of relational safety. A safe environment encourages vulnerable communication. And, vulnerable communication produces emotional intimacy.
If you are struggling to communicate in your pre-marital or marital relationship, I encourage you to ask:
-At what point of the communication process are we struggling?
-Are we displaying enough commitment to one another?
-Do we trust and feel safe with each other?
-Are we carving out time to communicate?
One More Challenge
A spouse or significant other that grew up in an unsafe home will most likely have a difficult time recognizing and therefore sharing within a safe relational environment. If you find yourself wanting to be more emotionally intimate with your spouse, but feel as if he or she is constantly putting up walls, please know that he or she is probably practicing the same connection style they developed as a child or adolescent. That means your spouse probably needs help learning how to recognize a relationally safe environment and how to communicate within such an environment. How should you engage such a spouse/significant other?
Your role as a partner or spouse is to help your spouse or partner see that he or she might need help by communicating YOUR desires to connect and attach more. Don’t say, “You need help!” Say, “I really wish we could be more emotionally vulnerable with each other. What do you think is keeping this from happening?”
Be patient. If your spouse/significant other did come from a home that was unsafe, it will take some time for them to understand and communicate within a safe environment. Love them with the same patience and grace with which God loves us.
Pray. Pray that the same resurrection power that raised Jesus from the dead can resurrect or develop the ability to communicate intimately within your marriage or soon-to-be marriage.
Keep working on yourself. How can you continue to show your spouse that you are committed to providing a safe environment for them to vulnerably communicate?
I recently sat down to pen this poem in order to reflect and heal after a very challenging season in ministry.
Were you there when I walked the lonely hallway,
Having just helped a family say goodbye?
Were you there when I held a dying woman’s hand,
Hearing “I love you,” a family member cry?
I walk this lonely hallway with a heavy, grieving heart.
The hallway’s emptiness matches my soul,
I’m carrying a weight within so heavy,
My heart is paralyzed, my body feels old.
I know I will have to carry this family,
Through the tears that will honor their mother.
A great celebration of life,
Yet a wonder, "Why Mom and not another?"
Yet, I turn the corner to this hallway,
For tomorrow is another day.
People to see, sermons to write,
Who knows what the next church member might say?
So, keep going I must,
Though my soul feels both empty and full,
Heavy heart, grateful heart, Lord I know you’re good,
But life can feel so cruel.
By: Paul Gibson
Why would anyone want to be a teacher?!
Kids are lazy. They do not have the work ethic kids used to have thirty years ago. They whine. They're hyperactive. Their manners are terrible. They would rather have their nose buried in an electronic device than listen to a lesson. Some of them are willing to curse at you without a second thought. "Why did you give me that grade?! (No, honey. You earned that grade.) And, the kids who do want to learn, have the odds stacked against them.
Why would anyone want to be a teacher?!
Parents project blame all the time. They do not hold their children accountable like parents used to in the past. It is never the student's fault. "What did the teacher do or not do that caused my child to get that bad grade?" Teachers look for allies in parents. Instead, they find enemies.
Why would anyone want to be a teacher?!
The administration is critical. "We must have better test scores." "Better classroom management." "Make sure you attend PD." "Turn in your lesson plans on time." "There will be a teacher's meeting after school." "What must you do to help that student get a better grade?"
Why would anyone want to be a teacher?!
The pay is average. The hours are long. Grading papers while watching television gets old. "But you get three months off every summer!" Well, not exactly. There are workshops to attend. Education requirements to pursue. And, before you know it, August catches you off guard. "Is it that time already?"
Why would anyone want to be a teacher?!
And, oh, what about being an administrator?! The parents do not trust you. The teachers do not like you. The kids are leery of you. There are days when you feel like you can please no one.
Why would anyone want to be an administrator?!
You are part of the school support staff. You are not a teacher, so you are often viewed as "not as important." It is disappointing that people do not realize that without you, there would be no bus rides, no trips to the bathroom, no lunches, the phones would constantly be ringing, and there would be no after school care.
Why would anyone want to be on support staff?!
I will tell you why anyone would want to be teacher or administrator or support staffer.
Because they burn with concern and passion for that little boy or girl who wears the same clothes to school three days in a row while looking malnourished or unkept.
Because they see the promise in the junior high student who is often angry and disrespectful. They see that if the student could just get past their pain and anger, they could be the next doctor, college president, pastor, stay at home mom, or teacher.
Because they see that high school student who is gifted beyond their years, yet struggles with self-confidence. If that student could just learn to trust and believe in who they are, their life has no limits.
Because they take the long view on life. They understand that the true work of a teacher is not determined by test scores or marks on a paper. Instead, their work is judged by the women and men, the mothers and fathers, the leaders and workers their students become ten to fifteen years later in life.
Because they were once that elementary student or junior high student or high school student described above and if it were not for the teacher or principal or teacher's assistant or lunch lady who believed in them, they would not be the mother, the father, the husband, the wife, the teacher they are today.
Why would anyone want to be a teacher?
Because they care.
It’s not a matter of asking, ‘What if forgiveness is tough?” because the answer will always be, “Yes.” Yes, forgiveness is tough because true forgiveness required a human a sacrifice, a self-willing human sacrifice, a death so gruesome and torturous that the man willing to die was almost unrecognizable. Scripture teaches us that it was because of this gruesome sacrifice, by those wounds, that we are healed.
I believe we can learn a lot about forgiveness in our marriages by looking at the Cross. Forgiveness in marriage can be extremely difficult at times when we feel deeply betrayed. Yet, if you are a confessing Christian, you follow someone who was despised and rejected by humanity. Isn’t that what betrayal looks like; being ultimately despised and rejected by your spouse? I’m talking deep, deep hurt that causes your soul to cry out in anger and anguish and heartache all the while asking how someone who confessed to loving you so much could hurt you so deeply. Do the words, “My God, my God, why have your forsaken me” come to mind? Christ cried out in anguish while he was hurting, betrayed, and deeply wounded on the Cross.
Yet, Christ Chose to Forgive
Jesus Christ looked at the thief next to him and said, “Today, you will be with me in Paradise.” Jesus was telling the repentant thief, “Today, you will be in my ultimate presence in my garden of peace.” Christ teaches us that his choice to forgive leads us into his very presence. Christ chose forgiveness in the midst of his heartache and that means we too must strive to forgive when we’ve been deeply hurt in our marriages. Why?
Because We Have Been Forgiven
That same forgiveness that Jesus gave the thief he gives to us. 1 John 1:9 says that if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness. Confession and repentance lead to salvation. What if our marriages, even in their darkest times, model a place where confession and repentance lead to the saving of a marriage. Again, we forgive in our marriages because have been forgiven.
We Must Remember that Forgiveness Is Tough
Jesus had to endure great heartache and pain to achieve salvation for mankind. If we are going to forgive our spouse after being deeply betrayed, we too will go through heartache and pain. I believe the Cross teaches us that there is no true redemptive forgiveness without intense pain. So, please know that if your spouse has deeply hurt you, forgiveness will not occur without much wrestling and crying out to God and even your spouse.
The Other Side of Forgiveness
Forgiving our spouse after a betrayal does not mean our marriages are always saved, especially after abuse has occurred. However, choosing to practice forgiveness the way Christ forgave on the Cross will ultimately stop the cycle of hate that would continue if you chose not to forgive. On the other side of forgiveness, there is freedom; freedom from the captivity of hate and hopelessness, freedom from the anger and disgust that might be eating you up from the inside-out, freedom that results in deep, soulful healing.
Forgiveness is tough because the Cross was tough. Yet, forgiveness is powerfully redemptive because the Cross is redemptive. When you are tempted to not forgive, may the Cross be an ever present reminder that we live as forgiven people. So, no matter how difficult choosing to forgive might be, may you find the same power that raised Jesus from the dead being the same power in you empowering you to forgive.
Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. —Galatians 6:9 (NIV)
It was 12:45 a.m. and I was sending my dad an email after my university’s team got hammered by 32 points on a Saturday night. I was a student manager. Our season was looking bleak, everyone was doubting the process, and no one wanted to practice at 8:00 a.m. The email read like this:
Dad, we got crushed tonight. We were overmatched and our execution was awful. We just got back to the arena and our guys are exhausted. Coach has scheduled practice for 8:00 a.m. tomorrow, Dad! What is he thinking?!
My dad’s reply:
I am sure Coach has a reason for what he is doing. He’s teaching them how to win and sometimes that’s a hard thing to do. Teams who have never won before don’t understand that it takes effort, day in and day out, to build a championship team. Coach knows what he’s doing.
During this toughest part of the season that my dad’s words and the team’s experiences taught me some valuable lessons that I apply to my marriage today, lessons that are taken directly from the pages of Scripture.
STAY COMMITTED TO THE PROCESS BECAUSE HEALTHY MARRIAGES REQUIRE DAY-IN-AND-DAY-OUT EFFORT.
Galatians says, “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time, we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” When marriages fall upon hard times, couples can be tempted to give up. The first big marital fight, the first holiday visit to the in-laws, the miscarriage, and any other number of life challenges can cause any marriage, but especially a young marriage, to crack. Work to know the triggers of marital stress in your relationship. Yet, it’s during these difficult moments that couples must stay committed, or covenanted, to one another. And often, that commitment doesn’t look sexy or feel wonderful. Practicing at 8:00 a.m. after a game the night before never felt sexy, nor did workouts at 5:00 a.m. Commitment often feels the exact opposite of sexy and wonderful; it is often a practical and devoted decision when you feel nothing.
Commitment often feels the exact opposite of sexy and wonderful; it is often a practical and devoted decision when you feel nothing.
COMMITMENT TO EACH OTHER WILL PRODUCE MARITAL GROWTH.
Galatians also says, “for, at the proper time, we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.” Commitment during a hopeless moment is often the seed that will produce marital growth. The formula for successful teams is the same for a successful marriage: commitment through difficult times produces resiliency which results in a stronger marriage. I have seen too many couples squander the pain of a difficult season instead of using that pain to grow closer to each other and to God. If you find yourself in a difficult season of marriage, lean into the pain, and allow God to use that pain to grow your marriage. A simple question you can ask God during a difficult marital season is, “God, what are you trying to teach me or teach us during this season?”
The formula for successful teams is the same for a successful marriage, commitment through difficult times produces resiliency which results in a stronger marriage.
SOMETIMES MARRIAGE REQUIRES A 12:45 A.M. CONVERSATION.
Ephesians 4:26 says, “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry.” It does not say to resolve every problem before going to sleep. However, there are times during a difficult season in marriage when you will find yourself up late into the night trying to resolve a conflict or work through a challenge. Couples can choose to see these times as burdens or they can embrace the eccentric nature of such conversations, lean into the conversation, and find themselves connecting on a different level. Please note: if you find yourself growing too exhausted to engage in respectful conversation, pause the conversation and commit to re-engaging in the morning with fresher minds and hearts.
The same team I was concerned about ended up winning three straight NCAA conference championships because they stayed committed to the process of improving and grew as a result of that commitment. I pray the same is true for your marriage. Your marriage will most likely never be given a literal championship trophy for being healthy or for staying committed during the sometimes mundane day-in-and-day-out work of marriage. But holding hands at the age of 80 while celebrating a lifetime of commitment and devotion to one another is greater than any championship any sport can offer. (Article was originally published at startmarriageright.com.)
Paul is the husband to Tara, father to Natalie and Isaac, has an average jump shot, and enjoys running. His secret wish is to one day become a Jedi Knight. Paul holds a doctorate in marriage and family counseling from Gordon-Conwell Theological Seminary and currently serves as senior pastor of Harrodsburg Baptist Church. Paul desires to help young couples navigate the early crucibles of marriage, especially when one or both of the spouses are engaged in vocational ministry.
Tara wears several hats; wife to Paul, Mom to Natalie and Isaac, Physical Therapist by day, and Noonday Collection ninja at night. Tara cares deeply about helping other women understand their true identities and developing their relationships with Christ. Tara likes to read, cook, and learn about all things Disney.